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I Did It Wrong

  • Posted on November 7, 2013 at 10:30 am

After my babies started coming two at a time, I decided it was time to do some serious family planning; but I was fertile during the dark ages when birth control pills and IUDs were still the latest and greatest technology. Depro Provera was not even a gleam in a woman’s eye.

After taking the pills for the maximum number of years that was considered safe, my doctor switched me to other methods. They all did their job but not all were, shall we say, fun and easy to use. I even tried the orange juice method. What is that you ask? I asked the doctor the same question. “Do I drink the OJ before or after?’” He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, “Instead.”

Now after all those years of purchasing expensive contraception items, I learned there is a better and less expensive family planning method. I cheered, knowing my daughters and granddaughters won’t have to go through the trial and error methods I used.

Amazing discoveries happen daily. For instance, a few months ago a politician said that women cannot conceive from rape because stress will prevent conception. But the most amazing information comes from Saudi Arabia where a conservative cleric has made this proclamation about mechanical birth control. He said,

“If a woman drives a car, not out of pure necessity, that could have negative physiological impacts as functional and physiological medical studies show that it automatically affects the ovaries and pushes the pelvis upwards.”*

Just imagine, I could have avoided all that hassle and money by simply going for a daily drive. Back then gas prices varied from $.20 to $1.00 per gallon, much less expensive than contraceptive products. It would also have given me short serenity breaks as I cruised along country roads admiring the corn, wheat, and soy beans. With the windows down I could have heard the birds singing and felt the wind blowing through my long red tresses. My husband would have been delighted to come home to a calm, collected wife instead of one who was exhausted from chasing children all day.

What a wondrous discovery this cleric has made, and he’s not even a doctor or scientist. Some day we might celebrate Driving Prevents Babies Day. Future generations of women will no longer need to spend hours in the gynecologist’s waiting room, wondering what antiquated contraception she will be told to use this time. Instead, they can look forward to pleasant drives around the countryside, smelling the flowers, admiring the butterflies and going home to a houseful of children.

*News of the Weird, The Daily Press, October 17, 2013, Reuters news release
© by Sharon D. Dillon, November 7, 2013